She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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