look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
