Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
