i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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