Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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