so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
