The maid of honor just puked.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
