yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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