Plan B is the new Plan A
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
