I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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