last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize