and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
