There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
