Pants 0. Shit 1.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
