It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
