I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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