I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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