I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
