is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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