I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
