been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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