i would punch a child for taco bell
I think my vagina is haunted
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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