i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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