from now on my penis is your penis
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
