just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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