He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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