Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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