Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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