I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
