Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
