my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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