Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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