You don't have asthma, your pregnant
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
