my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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