i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have post one night stand depression
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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