I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
