yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
