also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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