Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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