youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
