Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
