There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
