i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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