My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
