mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
