I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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