It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need to calm my uterus...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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