If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
