the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
