Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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