i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
