im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
