just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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