I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
