They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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