weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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