I want to have your abortion
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
