spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
