just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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