I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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