So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
