five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
