my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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