I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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