Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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