Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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