I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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