if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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