My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
